Chapter I [Aug 03]
Often they slept with their dear little idol,
‘Till, one night there seemed an attempt parricidal.
Harold slept in the middle
And leaked from his diddle.
Though his diddle was little, his piddle was tidal.
Chapter III [Nov 03]
Nurse Tizzy bought Harold a trumpet.
At first he attempted to thump it.
Later he found
It would make a fine sound
If he’d open the window and dump it.
Nurse Tizzy thought Harold so cute.
She chuckled and taught him to toot.
He blew with such gusto
Mom’s ear drums went busto,
And the neighbors to court to file suit.
For the sake of everyone’s ears,
He took lessons for several years.
But he went in reverse
And became even worse,
Driving his parents to tears.
Chapter IV [Dec 03]
Moma & Popa could stand it no longer;
As they got weaker Harold grew stronger.
And there'd be no remission
'Till they made a decision:
Murder or suicide, which one was wronger.
They were loath to do it by shootin',
But he was as hard to discard as Rasputin.
Though they fed him ground glass,
Filled his bedroom with gas,
Harold just kept right on tootin'.
Chapter V [Feb 04]- - - - - - - To be continued. - - - - - - - -
Then came the day when his eye was attracted,
His attention diverted, his mind distracted,
He put his trumpet aside
And sprang up pop-eyed.
It's understatement to say that he over reacted.
Somehow women were different appearing.
Now their attributes were really endearing.
And, though he enjoyed,
They were annoyed
By Harold's sweet countenance contantly leering.
They had boobies that bobbeled, adorable faces,
And legs from the floor to mysterious places!
Where, he was told!!
Those who are bold!!
Discover, not diddles???!!, but more interesting graces!!!
Chapter VI [Mar 04]
He soon asked some girls, his passion erected,
Might he poke at the place where their legs were connected?
But he suffered distress
'Cause he had no finesse
And his eager proposals were always rejected.
From this lack of success he became so upset
That to pick up some girls he took up ballet.
What's that you say,
It rhymes better with play?
Absurd! Can't you see? It's just like bouquet!
Chapter VII [Apr 04]
He saw how most girls could be so enthralled
By disco or rock or whatever it's called.
Seemed a trait of the gender
To swoon or surrender
When dudes who make music want to get balled.
So his course for the future became very clear;
Devotion to music must be his career.
This was not a charade
That he played to get laid!
He was very intense and really sincere!
VIII [May 04]
Now, it's true that his talent was nil,
That he had no charisma or skill;
But that's not what you need
To make them stamped,
Gyrations and decibels will.
So he took up his trumpet once more,
Blowing harder than ever before,
But they still wouldn't play,
Just stayed away,
'Cause really he made their ears sore.
Chapter IX [Jul 04]
Said Nurse Tizzy, "My dear I'm afraid
"You'll need to find something to aid
"The success of your scheme
"Whether the dream
"Is making great music or just getting laid.
"Look at the artists of yore.
"Learn what's succeeded before.
"Then you will know
"How to put on a show,
"And that is the best way to score."
So he studied the songs of the past,
Hoping that somehow atlast
He could end the insults
And get some results.
He was desperate and needed some fast!
Chapter X [Sep 04]
After dozens of tries
Looking for lines to revise,
He discovered a lyric
He could not contain his surprise!
"I wonder who's kissing her now."
Left Harold wondering how.
He could scarcely conceive
But had to believe!
That someone'd been kissing a now!!??
Chapter XI [Dec 04]
His notions were being refined.
Just how were females designed?
And if it was so
He needed to know:
Was it in front or was it behind?
His mind was boggled, his vision excited.
Deep in his core hot flames were ignited,
And he burned with desires
And ravishing fires
That were doomed forever to be unrequited.
Chapter XII [Feb 05]
He avidly searched in various media.
He even perused an encyclopedia,
And went to those stores
With those signs on their doors,
"Be 21 or begone we don't need y'!"
Though none of these sources did list it,
He could hardly believe that he'd missed it.
He was sure, anyhow,
Of a girl with a now,
'Cause somewhere someone had kissed it!
Chapter XIII [Mar 05]
So, he paid for a little pow-wow
With a lady who knew what and how;
But the impatient trollop
Just gave him a wallop
Saying, "Weirdo! I ain't got no now!"
XIV [June 05]
Nurse Tizzy suggested some college,
Because she had too little knowledge.
If you think that's absurd,
You just haven't heard
Of the subjects they teach now in college.
Due to financial adversity,
He chose Phue Un Queue University
Which took him for free
By drawing his fee
From their grant for research in perversity.
If you think Phue Un Queue a strange name for a U,
You're not all alone; most others do too.
But there is a contraction
That appeals to some faction;
Instead of that name the just say "PhuQue U".
XV [Aug 05]
The questions he asked in serious tones
Were answered with snickers, laughter and groans.
So, the riddle unsolved,
He left college resolved
To search all the world for erogenous zones.
Because of the scorn, and some tried to tease,
Said searching for nows was a mental disease,
And a fellow name Claude
Said, "You should get a broad."
Those were the reasons he went overseas.
Chapter XVI [Dec 05]
As the very first step in this new enterprise,
He went to Bangkok with lecherous eyes.
It seemed that was best
For the start of his quest
‘Cause he'd heard all the women were thighs.
Chapter XVII [Feb 06]
He had an interview impromptu
With a mystical guru Hindu
Who, though quite overrated,
Was a much adulated
And exceedingly well-to-do guru.
He learned there a mantra that promised him bliss,
A sacred old chant that went something like this:
Oum ouma mumbo.
Oum ouma jumbo.
With magic like that, how could anyone miss.
But, chant as he would, it all came to naught.
A lady in Hong Kong said she had one, she thought.
But, the sweetie form China
Showed her vagina,
And he had to explain that was not what he sought.
Chapter XVIII [Apr 06]
Then, in a tavern, in far Singapore,
He met a sweet thing with a now -- so she swore.
Though her English was weak
And the prospects were bleak
She was so oblijing and comely a whore.
'twas a beautiful night, by the shore, on the sand.
They talked for hours, walked hand in hand.
When the darling kumquat
Revealed her sweet twat,
He sighed, "Why does everyone misunderstand?"
Chapter XIX [Jun 06]
He dallied a while in old Yoshiwara;
Trekked all the way across the Sahara;
Went to SoHo,
Found it so-so
And bought a girl in Madrid a rhinestone tiara.
He went to Belgrade, then to Moscow,
Then over the wall, on the sly to Hangchow.
But, even in beds
With comradely Reds,
He failed to discover a girl with a now.
Chapter XX [Aug 06]
He landed in Hamburg where, everyone knows,
If you have enough money anything goes.
When told his dilema
To Reeperban Emma,
She wrinkled her nose saying you're one of those.
Then the confident strumpet presented her crumpet,
Assuming that Harold would nibble or hump it.
She giggled then frowned
When he gazed at her mound
And made no attempt to tickle or jump it.
He sighed as he said to the puzzeled young frau,
"You, like the others, have not kept your vow.
"You're a cute little runt,
"But that's only a cunt,
"And I paid you to show me a now."
Chapter XXI [Dec 06]
On a sunny hillside once in Greece
A psychiatrist promised release.
Said he'd first analyze,
Then Harold's strange craving would cease.
But his manner did seem rather crass,
Having sessions right there on the grass.
And was Harold surprised
When he got analyzed!
It was such a pain in the ass!
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